Two Idiot Farmboys
by Skyblack
Summary: Smallville - Star Wars crossover. It's superpowers vs the Force, as Luke Skywalker fights Clark Kent for the first woman this Jedi knight's seen since leaving Tatooine!


TWO IDIOT FARMBOYS  
(previously posted on my personal website as "Chasing Lana") 

by Skyblack

Smallville / Star Wars crossover

Action, humor, and romance

Setting: Smallville, Kansas

Main characters: Luke Skywalker, Clark Kent, Lana Lang

Secondary roles: Lionel and Lex Luthor

Extra credit: The TWoP Smallville forum thread "Lines that will never be said on Smallville", of which I have used at least two.

Obligatory Legal Boilerplate: I don't own these characters. If I did, Lana would have died in the metoer shower and Luke would have screwed Han in the back of the Millennium Falcon a looong time ago.

-One-

Luke Skywalker did not know that he could still be shocked.

In the last six years, the galaxy had done its best to numb him. Imperial Troops had incinerated his home and the family inside. Darth Vador, the second most powerful man in the Empire, had maimed him in a lightsaber fight and then said, "I am your father." Princess Leia, whom Luke had harbored a crush on, turned out to be his sister.

It was the last thing, Luke realized, which hurt him the most. Other than Leia, he had not seen a woman in years. A Jedi knight, he could use his power over the Force to make objects fly, influence minds, and cheat at poker. Yet he still slept alone.

However, nothing from his past mattered at the moment. He sat in his X-Wing in the middle of outer space. Behind his one-man spaceship lay some stars and other astronomical bodies. Before it lay a cornfield.

This disturbed Luke.

The known universe is a four-dimensional construct consisting of space-time, space containing three dimensions and time having one. This is known as the Space-Time continuum. Every conceivable object and event is embedded in this continuum.

Occasionally, there is a rift in the Space-Time continuum. This was such a rift, linking "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far, away…" to "Earth, last week."

Framed by lines of lightning and color, the gravity on the cornfield side pulled the X-Wing from the comfortable vacuum of outer space into another point on the continuum. Cruising at near light speed, Skywalker slammed his foot on the break to slow down. Frightened and confused, his only goal was to avoid crashing into anything. He almost hit three barns.

The world was a blur of blue, green, and dark yellow as his ship spun around. The last thing he remembered was a cow, mooing before the X-Wing slammed into it.

-Two-

Luke had never thought about death, at least not in a context outside of grief or immediate danger. The only concrete evidence he had for an afterlife was seeing some ghosts. Yet those specters on Endor could have just as easily been the result of all that pot he had been smoking. Ever since leaving his burnt-down home, sobriety and Luke were not on the most familiar terms. For various reasons, most Jedi knights weren't sober.

Yet he was sober now, which made him conclude that he must be dead. He looked around. He was in a plush king-size bed with high posts of mahogany and white linen drapery. A large window to his right revealed a stone balcony and an endless expanse of green.

'Wow', he thought. 'Death is nice…'

He opened the door to the hallway, which was more grand than the bedroom. Chandeliers hung from the ceiling and imposing portraits lined the walls.

'Really nice…'

Slowly, he wandered down the grand staircase of the mansion. He heard a voice and gravitated towards it, finding himself at a parlor at the end of the hall. The door was open and a strange man with luscious dark hair approached him. "I see you're up."

"I am," Luke responded, disconcerted.

"You took quite a nasty fall out there. Your aircraft landed just a mile from here. You were out stone cold for days. Fortunately my doctor was able to take care of you and I'm glad to see you're all right."

"Who are you?"

"Oh, I'm sorry, that was rude of me. I'm Lionel Luthor." He shook Luke's right hand. "Cold," he muttered, in spite of himself.

"It's artificial."

"Really." It was the most lifelike prosthesis that Lionel had ever seen. What other wonders did this visitor hold the secrets to? His technicians were already at work dissecting the wreck of the X-Wing.

"Where am I?" Luke asked.

"Smallville, Kansas."

"Kan-what?"

Lionel clasped Luke's other hand with both of his own. "I see you're still discombobulated. But the doctor sees no reason why you shouldn't recover."

"I didn't know you had company," a new voice remarked.

Lionel turned to the speaker, then to his guest. "This is my son, Lex. Lex, this is the man we found in that strange contraption."

The young bald man regarded Luke. "Wow."

"You know, I have some business to attend to," Lionel continued. "Why don't you entertain our guest?"

-Three-

"There's no way your family can be more screwed up than mine," Lex said. It was after dinner, they were alone in the mansion, and alcohol had loosened both their tongues. Wine led to whine.

"Try me."

"That nice man you met? Don't be fooled by his façade; he's a magnificent bastard. He's tried to kill me, my God, at least three times… And yet, he still wants me to run LuthorCorp with him. I don't know why."

"Well, I didn't join my father's evil empire. Probably a good thing too since it just broke up. He did do this, though." Luke pulled down his sleeve and opened the electric panel on his wrist. "I wasn't as good with a lightsaber then. Raising my arm like that? I was an idiot. And then he tells me that he's my father. Here I am, one-handed, clinging to this pole for dear life, and he's like, 'Who's your daddy?'!"

Lex drained another glass of Chateau Le Pin '98. "Ooo. What about siblings?"

"I have a sister. But I didn't find out that we were related until after I made out with her."

"You didn't go beyond that, did you?"

"No."

Lex put his arm around Luke. "That's still pretty screwed-up. You win."

"I haven't seen a woman, except for Leia, in six years."

"Are you…?"

"No, not gay at all!"

'Damn,' Lex thought.

"I'd take matters into my own hand, but it short-circuits."

"You know, there are women in Smallville," Lex said. "Really?"

"Yes, of course. Where do you come from that they have no women?"

"A very odd place, apparently."

-Four-

The next day, Luke felt well enough to go out and Lex took him to the Talon, a coffee house on Smallville's main street. It had the best espresso, if not the only espresso, in town.

Within minutes, Clark Kent joined their table. His black hair was uncombed, he was wearing glasses instead of the usual contacts, and Lex recognized that clothing from the day before.

"You look like you've been studying hard," Lex said.

"Yeah… lots of tests this week…" Clark observed Luke as the latter experienced a latte for the first time. He sensed something odd about this blond who was dressed like a martial arts student. The stranger didn't look like one of Lex's usual business associates.

A girl served them a second round of coffee. It was Lana Lang. "Lex, is this one of your friends from Metropolis?"

"Sort of."

Lana was built like a twelve year-old boy, yet had the prettiest face of any man or woman that Luke had ever seen. Her skin was flawless and radiant. Her manner was soft and sweet. Her clothing, almost entirely pink, caught the sunlight from the windows like a magnet.

"Hi," Luke said, smiling slowly. He knew that it would be unethical, perhaps even a step to the Dark Side, if he used his powers for seduction. But the last time he had enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh, it had been ten years ago with a Wookie prostitute in Mos Eisley. Something had to give.

Clark also looked to Lana with longing.

'Oh, for God's sake!' Lex thought. 'A dead rat would sooner succeed with Lana than either of these guys.'

-Five-

The sun was five colors as it set over the countryside. In a clearing of grass, between a forest and a cornfield, Luke practiced with his lightsaber. It had been locked up in a lab in the basement of the Luthor Manor, but that had not stopped the Jedi from getting it back. The saber was an extension not only of his hands, but his being. He swung it as naturally as another man would walk.

A few feet away, hidden by a few stalks of corn, Clark sat cross-legged, laptop computer resting on his knees, doing some homework. Growing up on this farm, he had favored this spot as a hiding place when he was a child. As a teenager, he valued it for the fresh air which made doing a term paper more tolerable.

The humming of the lightsaber stopped, though with headphones on his ears, Clark did not notice. He was rocking out to the Smiths. Mimicking the moping vocals, he sang, "I am human and I need to be loved, just like everybody else does…"

It was with surprise when he saw the Jedi knight standing directly in front of him.

"Hi," Clark said.

"Do you know what the Force is?"

"The what?" Clark took off the headphones.

"The Force. It's the power within everything, though few of us can control it. Heard of it?"

"No, man, I'm Jewish."

"Okay…" Luke remarked. "Well, that's what's helping me with the lightsaber, in case you were wondering. Gee, you might have abilities in the Force, too. I'm definitely picking up something from you. You're different than the others. I can tell."

"That's nonsense." Only Clark's adoptive parents, who had found him lying in a space pod that landed near their farm, knew that he was an alien. Even his closest friends were ignorant. Why should some man from nowhere be privy to his secret?

He picked up his laptop and left.

-Six-

As she undressed for the night, stripping down to a bra and slip, Lana was oblivious to the man who stood an inch from her window, even though the light from her lamp illuminated him. Nor had she heard him when he propped the ladder against the side of her house. Such was the power of the Force.

From a mile away, Clark viewed the scene from his telescope. He had always aimed his instrument at Lana instead of the stars.

That Luke suspected his secret was bad enough. But why did this guy have to pry into Lana's life, too?

Running faster than any human being, Clark was there within seconds. He called up to Luke. "Get down here!" he hissed.

Luke waved his hand. "I am not the man you're looking for."

"Um, like Hell you are." The future Superman was unaffected by the Jedi mind trick.

"Oh, drat," Luke muttered to himself. Then aloud, "Go away!"

"Listen, I don't want to hurt you, but I'm not gonna let you keep on doing this!" Clark took hold of the ladder. "This is your last chance!"

"Do it."

Clark pushed the ladder away from the house. Before it fell to the ground, Luke jumped from it. Making a long jump to gain distance from ladder, he flipped twice before landing on his feet a dozen yards away.

Luke ignited his lightsaber. He knew he was being irrational, but it was too late. He had seen the fruit denied him. He would not give it up.

He swung the weapon at Clark. His adversary grabbed the lightsaber blade-side and flung it toward some nearby trees.

'Hey,' Clark thought, 'it's green, it's glowing, but it's not making me weak. I don't believe this!'

Luke did not believe it either. That guy's hand should have been cut in half.

Clark drew back his arm like a pitcher. The force of his punch broke Luke's shoulder and threw him to the ground.

"This is how we do it in Smallville, BITCH!"

With this proclamation, Clark began to make his way back to his house.

Every inch of his body hurting, Luke thought for a moment. Then he smiled. With his mind, using the telekinetic abilities of the Force, he lifted Clark. The teenager was catapulted over a nearby farm and landed on a shiny new truck, crushing it with his momentum.

Lana's window went dark; the show was over.

-Seven-

The next morning, Clark called on Lana. He noted with embarrassment that the ladder was still lying in her yard.

"Um, did you hear any noises last night?" he asked.

"Yeah, I saw you and that guy fighting. Couldn't see much because it was so dark, but wow! You must still be sore."

"I guess." Clark's bruises had disappeared within seconds of occurrence.

"Sit down, Clark."

Clark sat down on a plush pink chair. Lana remained standing.

"Before you fight over me again," she said, "I have something to tell you. I'm a man."

"What?"

"It's true. I'll show you." Lana unzipped her fly.

Clark became very confused.

He redid his fly. "It's just that I realized how much you're risking to defend me, and I wanted you to know who you're fighting for. That's all." Lana began to cry. "I hope you don't think less of me."

Clark reached out to her. "Shh… shh… I don't think less of you at all."

"Do you still want me?"

Following Lana's example, Clark decided to be honest. "No, but have you tried Lex?"

"You bastard!"

It was not the first time that Clark had been kicked out of Lana's house.

-Eight-

Clark arrived at the Luthor Manor soon after. He found Luke recuperating in one of the guestrooms, a cast covering his arm and shoulder.

"What do you want?" Luke asked.

"Well… I've realized that I don't just feel that way about Lana anymore. So I guess you can have her."

-Nine-

It was a girly bedroom. The floor was wood and had a large pink shag rug on it. The walls were light pink. Besides framed photographs of loved ones, there was a large poster for the movie "Hedwig and the Angry Inch." The furniture was hot pink. Next to a pink Hello Kitty stereo were piles of cd's by Kylie Minogue, the Village People, Madonna, and the casts of various Broadway musicals.

A small stool was covered with clothing, including a heavily padded bra and masochistically tight underwear.

The pink profusion threatened to destroy Luke's retinas. Yet he was too joyful to be bothered by it.

Lying in the bed next to him, Lana handed him a cigarette. Luke inhaled deeply.

"My X-Wing is ruined," he remarked, less to Lana than to himself. "I can never leave this place." He took another drag. "But you know what? I don't want to."

Lana looked fabulous with long black hair draped over a pink satin pillow. Luke had not seen a woman in so long that he couldn't tell the difference.

"Forget the rest of the galaxy," he said. "I can't believe my luck."

-The End-


End file.
